The " Requiem " Horror Picture Show
by Lone Gunfreak
Summary: A VERY silly Rocky Horror Picture Show/X-Files crossover. MAJOR " Requiem " spoilers.


Title : The " Requiem " Horror Picture Show  
Author : The Lone Gunfreak  
E-mail : lord_manhammer_666@yahoo.com or magenta_timewarp@yahoo.com   
Rating : PG - 13  
Category : Crossover, Humor  
Disclaimer : I want The X-Files, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Richard O'Brien. Chris Carter owns The   
X-Files, and Richard O'Brien owns The Rocky Horror Picture Show and himself. If you wanna   
give any to me, it'd be fine with me.   
Summary : Mulder takes a trip to Transsexual, Transylvania, the origin of Scully's baby is revealed, the Lone   
Gunmen save the day and a good time is had by all.  
  
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Mulder could feel himself beamed up into the spaceship. It was a strange, wonderful feeling but his fellow abductees seemed too scared to   
appreciate it. Mulder supposed you had to be used to the concept of abductions for it to be pleasant. He'd have to run that theory by Scully   
when he got back to Earth. The thought that maybe he wouldn't hadn't crossed Mulder's mind - when he was excited his brain tended to skip   
over details. He'd been on the ship that presumably was piloted by one of the Mighty Morphin' type aliens so frequently seen on The X-Files   
for only 10 minutes when it collided with another ship that looked like a castle. The Mighty Morphin' aliens ship was obliterated and Mulder   
would have died along with the M.M. aliens and his fellow abductees if he hadn't been blown into one of the windows of the castle-spaceship.   
He laid on the floor, dazed. He was pretty sure he wasn't dead. He had been a good Mulder ( most of the time ) and if this was Heaven, there   
would be lots of Scullys that believed his theories. If it was Hell, there would be alot more CSMs, and maybe-Samanthas that confused him so.   
Instead there was a guy in a gold space-thingy with a weird blond ponytail on top of his head, a woman with a Bride of Frankenstein hairdo and   
a gold space-thingy and a woman in black lingerie with short red-purple hair. Mulder got up, feeling he'd make a bad first impression on these   
people if he was on the floor. Mulder suddenly felt like breaking into song - the whole place had a breaking-into-song-spontaneously vibe. He   
sang -   
" When I was young, I was petrified  
didn't know how I'd ever live without you by my side  
spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong  
and I grew strong and I learned how to get along!  
So now you're back, from outer space - "  
" SHUT UP! " the blond man said in a nasally/slightly screechy/ Britishy voice ( I love that voice! ). He was obviously very high-strung at the   
moment.  
" Calm down, Riff-Raff " the Bride of Frankenstein hairdo woman said in an Eastern European accent, patting the blond man's arm.   
" Why doncha just shoot that Earthling with that laser, Riff-Raff?! That solves all ya problems, don't it?! " the redhead screamed. Mulder felt   
he'd stumbled into a very tense situation, so he just watched. The blond man ( who Mulder assumed was named Riff-Raff ) began advancing   
on the redhead with a gold pitchforky-thingy in his hand, but the other woman stopped him.  
" Riff-Raff! Don't kill her! I like her, even if you do not. No more sex if you kill Columbia. "  
" But, Magenta, sister, she was loyal to Frank N. Furter. She'll betray us when we return to Transsexual! She'll get us inprisoned or executed or- "  
" You, maybe, but I'd never betray Magenta " the redhead, Columbia, commented. Mulder noticed a strange, twitchy smile on Riff-Raff's face. He   
didn't seem very happy, though. Finally, he muttered " I won't kill Columbia. "   
" Good...now, vhat do ve do about him? " Magenta asked, pointing to Mulder. Mulder had hoped he'd be forgotten, but, no, they had   
remembered him.  
" I'll just shoot him with my anti-matter laser. Then we'll get rid of Frank and Rocky's bodies and make up a good aliby. Then we can have our   
own pool orgy, all 3 of us. " Riff-Raff said.  
" I thought you didn't like pool orgies. I distinctly remember you saying something about Frank's lifestyle being too extreme. Wouldn't a pool   
orgy be ' too extreme '? " Columbia was still mad that Riff killed Frank.  
" Actually, I thought Frank's lifestyle was fine. It was the whippings, kickings, shovings and humiliatings that I didn't like " Riff replied. " Pool   
orgies are great. "  
" Yeah, um, pool orgies rock, um, go right ahead, um, I'll help with the aliby, um " Mulder babbled, scared out of his wits. He didn't want to be   
anti-matter lasered.   
" Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm, " Riff-Raff said.  
" Ya wanna stop " Hmmm-ing " and think of somethin'? " Columbia snapped.  
" I'VE GOT IT! " Riff yelled.  
" Got what? " Magenta asked.  
" We dress this Earthling in Frank's clothes, that'll keep the royal family fooled for awhile, then we get new identities and live a brand new life!   
We're saved! " Riff yelled joyously. Magenta and Columbia stared at him.   
" That von't work, Riffy. The royal family isn't that stupid. He looks nothing like Frank! "  
" Trust me, my most beautiful sister, it will work. "  
" I got nothin' to do with this and that's what I'll tell anyone who tries to arrest me! " Columbia muttered.  
Mulder stared at them and stammered " But what'll I do? What'll I say?...What'll I wear? "  
Riff grinned. " Ah! " He went over to Frank's corpse and undressed it. He handed the corset, fishnets, heels, ect. to Mulder. " Put it on. "  
Mulder gaped at Riff-Raff and was about to tell him to slag off, no way, when Magenta reached around Mulder's pants and began removing   
them.  
" What are you doing?! Don't touch that! Stop...I mean help...oh, Dana...DANA! "  
" Shut up, Earthling. It's either this or we throw you into the black vacuum of space, " Riff said.  
Mulder reluctantly let Magenta undress him, and them he looked at the clothes he had to put on. " Is there somewhere else I could get   
dressed? "  
" Go in that tank over there " Riff pointed to Rocky's creation tank. Mulder went in and got Frank's clothes on. He came out and wobbled on   
his heels to Riff, Magenta and Columbia.  
" Hmmm. He needs the make-up, " Riff commented. Columbia went in her room, got some make-up, and put it on Mulder.  
" Hmmm. Something's not right... "   
" The hair? " Magenta suggested.  
" Are there any wigs or something around here? "  
" Just curl his hair so it's like Frankie's was, " Columbia suggested.  
Magenta fixed Mulder's hair.  
" I wanna go home! " Mulder cried.  
" Oh, damn, his voice! " Riff yelled. The 3 Transylvanians pondered this while Mulder cried for Scully, his mommy, and sunflower seeds.  
" We could show him Frank on the television monitor tapes. He'll learn how to talk like Frank. Or else, " Riff said ominously. Mulder cried harder.  
  
Meanwhile on Earth...  
  
Scully sat sadly at her desk. She missed Mulder and his crazy theories and his handsome face and his pretty butt and his nice hair and his -   
" What are you guys doing here? " Scully exclaimed [ anyone else getting a sense of deja vu? ] as everyone's favorite conspiracy theorists   
entered her office.  
" We found out where Mulder went! " Langly said.  
" The spacecraft he was on crashed into another. He's headed to another planet in another galaxy, " Byers added.  
" Luckily, we stole a faster spacecraft. We can catch up to them, " Frohike finished. There was a pause.   
" Tell her the other thing, Byers, " Langly whispered.  
" What ' other thing '? What are you talking about? " Scully demanded. Langly and Frohike looked at Byers.  
" * Sigh *. We were going to tell you after we resuce Mulder, so you wouldn't worry... "  
" TELL ME! "  
" You'rebabywasconcievedthroughttheForceandwilleitherbringbalancetotheForceor  
destroytheuniversesomeday, " Byers said quickly.  
" What? Say it slower."  
" Your...baby...was...concieved...through...the...Force...and...will...either...bring...  
balance...to...the...Force...or...destroy...the...universe...someday. That slow enough? " Langly said.  
Scully gaped at them, and decided her brain would process this information later. Saving Mulder was top priority.  
" Where's this spacecraft you mentioned? "  
  
Meanwhile, aboard the castle - ship...  
  
Mulder's brain hurt. He had learned to talk like Frank, after been threatened with being anti-matter lasered, sent into the vacuum of space and   
pictures of him in Frank's clothes sent to Scully. Magenta stuck her head in the room they put Mulder in ( which, coincidentally, was the room   
they put Brad in earlier ).  
" Ve'll be on Trassexual in a few moments. "   
" Okay. " He thought to himself as she led him out of the room " This'll work, this'll work, this'll work... "  
It took 30 seconds for the royal family to figure out that he wasn't Frank.  
" Run away, run away! " Riff-Raff screamed. He, Magenta, Columbia and Mulder did so. They ran back to the castle-ship, but an angry lynch-  
mob was there. They had nearly reached Riff, Magenta, Columbia and Mulder when...  
The Starship " Enterprise " crashed between them and the mob.  
" Niiiiice flying, Langly. "  
" Shut up, doo-hickey. I - look, there's Mulder...isn't it? "  
Mulder ran up to the Gunmen.   
" Guys! You saved me! ". The Lone Gunmen stared at Mulder. None of their surveillence camaras hidden in Mulder's house had shown any hint   
of his wearing black lingerie   
( well, except for him wearing Scully's underwear sometimes, and that was strictly a comfort thing... ).  
" Bring us with you! " Riff, Magenta and Columbia yelled. Mulder was about to say slag off, no way, when Scully came out of the Enterprise.   
Mulder was so happy, he said   
" Yes ". The 3 fugitive Transylvanians hurried on-board, followed by the Gunmen, Mulder and Scully.  
  
Epiloge  
  
Riff, Magenta, and Columbia went back to Denton, where they changed their names to Cosmo McKinley, Nation McKinley and Nurse Ansalong   
and started a mental assylum/tv station called " Dentonvale ". " Cosmo " and " Nation " became successfull psychiatrists and " Ansalong "   
became a very perky nurse and everyone was happy.  
  
Scully revealed the origin of her baby to Mulder. For once, he didn't believe her but he married her anyway. She gave birth to a son named   
Anakin and everyone was happy.  
  
The Gunmen didn't want to give the Enterprise back to it's rightfull owners, so they mud-wrestled with Spock, Kirk and the rest of the Star Trek :   
Original Series crew and everyone ( especially me ) was happy.  
  
The end.  
  
  



End file.
